When the late notorious b.i.g once stated in one of his songs years ago “I feelin kinda itchy for a quickie, don’t take off your clothes all you gotta do is **** me” , I could barely understand what the man was on about.
Quite evidently, sexual deviancy isn’t my area of expertise but I’ve been married for over 24 months now and can’t help but think of a way to spark up my sexual prowess. I am convinced my major problem is the foreplay why should I use the phrase “long tin”. The entire journey of sending raunchy text messages from work to looking at/touching each other, running the shower or a message and finally to the bed I barely find exhilarating these days.
This morning however, has been a different story as my work colleagues and even the security personnel can testify to my unusual upbeat mood. I’m sure my wife can barely explain what transpired in the early hours of this morning as I have been obnoxious the past few weeks. I was fully dressed (excluding my jacket) in the kitchen sipping on my coffee when my wife barely awake strolls into the kitchen muttering something that sounded like “morning hun” to make my usual egg and bacon sandwich. While she was at it, I kept staring at her wondering why I’m putting her through such ordeal. As she had her back towards me, all I had for view was the type of figure that makes the arsenal down below disrespect you such that you can’t stand up after the close of a board meeting else you’d have everyone taking your hand and looking down below. How embarrassing!
Anyway all I could make out from the view was the “8” figure and the emphatic apple like bottom in the middle. The rest as they say was history. Not only did I have to swop my white shirt for another, I also left behind my lunch basket on the kitchen table! Such was the feeling. Absolutely titillating.
As I seat on my desk, I’m thinking …have I reached the saturation point for boreplay…..sorry I meant foreplay and a “quickie” kinda guy? In the British Journal of Sexual Medicine, a professor after conducting a survey on 2,300 women concluded that foreplay lasted an average of 15.4 minutes and intercourse 16.2 minutes. But the warm up proceedings (foreplay) could be considerably shortened as it contributes little as an aid to female orgasm. I think I’m in sync with women if this is a true indication of how majority of them feel because as I’m writing this, my wife has interrupted me with a couple of text messages telling me how I’m such a star and something about a multiple orgasm never felt in a long time.
I look at it in brand management terms. I am the product going through the PLC stages and I have reached the maturity stage. One of the strategies deployed for a product at the maturity stage is to find other ways to use the product. Presently, Coca-cola in Nigeria is positioning its flagship product to complement a good meal, and not just for refreshment only. So I’m positioning myself as some bloke “not strictly for the foreplay to final destination bed/sofa kinda guy” but also in any absurd place like the copier machine, toilets, cars and even in the traffic should a drunk BRT driver decide to block the entire 3rd mainland bridge. For you deceptive work colleagues claiming you’re just friends and he/she is just dropping you off at home these are options you ought to consider.
The main goal for me (at least for now) is giving my woman a by far preferable “quickie” than the humdrum journey of foreplay. Today we conduct our lives amid constraints of a time-poor world, money worries and palpable fatigue amongst others. You lovebirds will reach that maturity stage at some point so here’s my advice. Consider the “quickie” strategy to rejuvenate the product in you. It has worked for me at least for the moment.
As I’m writing this, I’m anticipating catching up with my wife at home still in her skirt suit trying to fix us a hotplate in the kitchen; then doing my thing and ramming it from the rear (As we have no kids or employees yet). All of a sudden work is so boring and I can’t wait to get home and get me some. I’m looking forward to putting on another coital virtuoso performance!
PLEASE be discreet and don’t get fired on the quickie campaign!
Thanks for reading.
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