THE "GOSPEL" ECONOMICS

If today Nigeria ends up in a total state of anarchy, whether you are rich or poor, Christian or Muslim, south-south or south-west, however way you look at it, you shall be affected. I hear a few people say that some have amassed such wealth that once Nigeria becomes unbearable, they can elope to any “western country” and enjoy their ill-gotten wealth in peace. Think about it? Here in Nigeria, a public office holder can loot his state or country’s treasury dry with such impunity while also having the effrontery to harass his fellow citizens on the highway with his bloated convoy filled with overzealous police officers ready to maim of course, not to mention the excruciating  noise emanating from their siren. He cannot replicate such in that “western country”.

The same goes for a preacher. In this part of the world, they are invincibles. You criticize them at your own peril. You will be shocked how supposedly cogent individual will spring up to their pastor/ daddy’s defense. In that “western world”, nobody’s daddy whether spiritual or biological will wake up one morning and slap anyone even if the devil came down in human form to confront his eminence because he will be sued for physically assaulting a defenseless devil and possibly remanded in custody.

In that same “western world”, no cabal, politician or technocrat will bully the press when asked simple questions or call its electorate unsavory names or better yet make preposterous statements like suggesting your citizens should live with suicide bomb attacks till it fizzles out! In that “western world”, your resignation will be demanded for by everyone, including members of your own party for imprudent utterances.

Let’s not digress any further. The theme of this article is the “gospel economics”. A theory that quite remarkably ignores the metaphysical but dwells on fiction as it insists that no matter how the state of things deteriorate, “children of god” will never be affected, hence the world can protest on the street till thy kingdom come for all they care, they can’t be bothered.  During the one week long peaceful protests organized by SNG and other civil rights societies, I noticed the tranquil state of mind by quite a number of my friends I consider very religious. Religious in the sense that all they tweet is about pastor /daddy, what pastor/daddy said, and numerous quotes from the scriptures.

Let me state categorically, that I believe everyone is free to make a choice either to join a positive cause, to stay neutral or even support an insensitive government policy. It isn’t mandatory or even possible for everyone to have taken part in the protest or demand for good governance. Let me also state that I’m a believer in the word of GOD and I frequently pick up the holy book for reference and guidance. After all, 2 Timothy 3:16 states that,” all scripture is given by inspiration of GOD, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness”. However, I also  believe that same GOD gave us the ability to think and analyze our surroundings and ask questions instead of locking up our GOD given thinking faculty and blindly “follow follow” like in the words of Fela’s song”mr follow follow”  recorded decades ago.

Anyway, some of the “children of god” played no part in protesting whether as an indoor event (via social media) or outdoor (coming out to protest). They didn’t even pretend to be part of us at any point which I really admired and respected. But what baffles me till this day, is the fact that they think they are untouchable even by the turn of events in our country. The display message of one of “the children of god” during the protest and till this day reads “a thousand shall fall at your right side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you” from  Psalm 91;7. Rumor even has it that some of them were instructed from above not to participate in our demand for our fundamental human rights, and if seen doing otherwise, punitive action will be meted out to such erring individuals.

A survey from the Letagum prosperity Index, ranked Nigeria among the bottom 15 poorest nations of the world. The gap between the poor and the rich is at its highest peak in our history. How is it that a country which is the 7^th largest producer of oil in the world will still have majority of its citizens living below $2 per day? And how is it, that that same country pays its politicians salaries and allowances that dwarf Obama’s emoluments for his entire term in office! I bet Obama if greedy, would have switched nationalities by now.

Each time I pick up the dailies, join social media, or listen to the news, I always have a cause for concern. It’s either the obvious that what we currently have is the obliviously inept government who luckily found its way into the corridors of power, or innocent lives lost through the senseless tirade of bomb attacks on defenseless citizens and even  officers of the armed forces under the guise of war against western civilization. The recent seizure in Ghana of a vessel loaded with fire arms heading towards Nigeria or the arraignment of a British based artillery supplier, Gary Hyde in the UK for reportedly shipping 80,000 rifles and pistols, and 32 million rounds of ammunition to Nigeria is depressing. This shipment included 40,000 AK47 assault rifles, 30,000 rifles and 10,000 9mm pistols. I cringed when I read this yesterday.

Then I recalled when Ganiyu Adams, a leader of a faction of the Odu’a People’s Congress, a secessionist and nationalist organization in the South-West of Nigeria was questioned about the possible invasion of the much  dreaded boko haram sect into Lagos and other parts of the region. His response was quite bullish. He made it clear that they had enough weapons in their arsenal to curtail any infiltration by the terrorist group should boko haram even think of venturing into their shores. I began to think of how fire arms must be widespread amongst us that we are clearly unmindful of. This could mean in a traffic jam, a man selling fan yogourt ice-cream could have a pistol stashed somewhere around his icemaker, or the gala hawker could have a rifle stored somewhere for use when the need arises.

I have got a problem with the gospel economics and its students “the children of god”. The vibe I was getting during the protest, was the fact that if pump price can rise to N200 per litre, I can still afford it, and so can my family, church members and colleagues, just make the damn commodity available, nothing else matters. When you are all tired of constituting a nuisance on the streets, you will all go back home, and let us, who have better things to do like make some more money get on with our lives.

 Is this really what the scripture is all about? That we should stay clear of murky waters such as disassociating ourselves from peaceful protesters of the “world” fighting for a better future for us all, fighting for the less privileged who cannot possibly afford those basic things we take for granted, and also for accountability in government?  I wonder whether the excessive love for money, those bullet proof luxury cars, private jets and exorbitant private universities are heavenly and not worldly things. 

In the book of Mark 12:30-31, a lawyer walked up to Jesus and asked for what he considered the first commandment. Jesus replied and said “love the Lord your GOD with all your heart and soul, with all your mind and strength”. Jesus then added a second saying “you shall love your neighbor as thyself. There is NO OTHER COMMANDEMENT GREATER THAN THESE”. Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10: 30-37? In that story, Jesus explained who truly our neighbor is. In that story, a man was robbed, stripped off his clothing and left for dead. A priest first came along, saw him, crossed to the other side like he didn’t see a thing. Then came the Levite, who did the same thing.  It wasn’t until when a certain Samaritan came by that the man robbed was catered for. Jesus then asked the lawyer in verse 38, “so which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among thieves? Go and do likewise” Jesus said to him.

Jesus, a meek and humble man should be our role model and not any man if we are to go by Christianity. He paid no attention to acquiring material things but encouraged agape love for one another including our neighbor. A neighbor meaning members of other faiths, the downtrodden, the less privileged, and the poor to mention but a few. Remember the priest and the Levite (who the “children of god” in Nigeria today will view as religious and will follow blindly), left their neighbor for dead. It was the Samaritan who was viewed as not righteous at all that came to his neighbor’s aid.

Our neighbor today include those in abject poverty who can’t afford to eat 3 square meals daily, who if corruption is curbed to the barest minimum will have their minimum wage increased from the laughable and embarrassingly low N18, 000 per month to be at par with other OPEC member countries, who if basic amenities  and infrastructures are made available and put in place will have their life and expectancy rate improved.

With the proliferation of firearms across our country, a possible gun duel with ethnic fractions and religious dogmatist, incessant bombings killing innocent people, widening of the income gap between the rich and the poor, endemic corruption, my brothers and sisters in the lord, your gospel economics will not work. Your movement will be curtailed. Even the church where you go and listen to your daddy or show off your latest aesthetics might just be turned into rumbles. Daddy might have flown out of the country with his jets to avoid the state of anarchy slapping anyone in his way including his pilots in successfully eloping out of the jungle in which even a lion cannot survive. Daniel, Mershach, shaddrach and Abednego, young jews of royal birth were taken as slaves from the kingdom of Judah to serve king Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon because of a corrupt and evil government in charge when they were still very young. Their parents probably took part in the evil regime, or also believed in the “gospel economics” that as the lord’s chosen one and that no matter the state of the jungle, they will always go unscathed. We all know they were GOD’s chosen but taken captive to serve as slaves in a foreign land.

Love your neighbor as thyself is what Jesus instructed us, not only church members, family, boy/girlfriends, business partners, work colleagues. Do whatever it takes to ensure Nigeria doesn’t degenerate to the level of Somalia where alaye boys will mount road blocks every two meters on Ikorodu road, extorting all sundry. If it is by prayer, please pray fervently for peace of GOD to reign in this nation. If it is to challenge those at the helm of affairs in this nation to wake up and switch from auto-pilot to responsive and accountable government, then so be it. Remember the louder we make our voices heard in unison, the more effective our impact. Do everything but adopt the nonchalant approach.

My heart goes out to the families of our brothers and sisters who have lost their lives through the series of mindless and cruel bomb blasts in Kano state and all other states affected across Nigeria. May GOD give strength to the bereaved to bear their loss and may the soul of the slain rest in peace. Amen.

GOD bless Nigeria.

JOSEPH THE DREAMER

My new found friend Joseph has got dreams. Yes, realistic ones just like everyone else. However, his hopes are gradually fading away. He sees his country as a lost cause. His tale was all too similar to what I’ve heard a bit too often these days. As a Nigerian, he feels the two things he benefits from the government was the ostensibly “fuel subsidy” before its removal and the air he breaths albeit full of emissions.

I accompanied a friend to a major electronics distributor outlet earlier today to feed my eyes on the new arrivals. I was thrilled by their offerings and more importantly the captivating prices, I decided to get a product myself. The problem was then, the transportation of my newly acquired asset from the point of sale to my humble abode.

That’s where I experienced another slap of the impact of fuel subsidy removal. It’s bad enough a major electronics outlet hasn’t put in place a comprehensive delivery system for customers who have purchased products. Few years ago, I would have found it beyond belief but that would be unfair on some foreigners who have come to invest heavily in my country where they are their own NEPA (Electricity supplier) and water supplier. They also employ my fellow compatriots in the process slash the millions of other youths still unemployed out there. A sales staff eventually introduced me to someone just outside the store who could help with the transportation.

Joseph answered “oga, na  sis tausan, fife hundred!” (boss, it’ll cost you 6 thousand, 5 hundred naira). “say wetin! From Allen to Ojota? You be Ali baba I tink? Abeg talk beta jare” (what? That short distance? You’re joking right?). He blamed the removal of subsidy for charging me that high, but I told him not to worry, that I have my own car and I just bought N4,000 worth of petrol in NNPC at the rate of N138 per litre which hardly had any impact on my fuel gauge; my firsthand slap from the new year’s gift from Uncle Jonah. I told Joseph that unless his car was a stretch bugatti, he would certainly not need that sum of money he requested earlier. Besides, he must be a dreaming Joseph to think I'll part with that kind of money.

As Joseph drove me through Allen and Opebi in his rickety car, he told me the tale of his “hard knock” life so far. His parent s couldn’t afford to further his education, so he dropped out of school to source for income and a better livelihood. So Joseph left his village to Lagos for greener pastures. Quite remarkably, he wasn’t bitter as I thought a man that found himself in such predicament would be. He was quite jovial and a lot smarter than some ministers and public office holders I have seen appear on TV defending an ill-timed policy at the detriment of the livelihood of majority of the Nigerian populace, where majority  live under  2$ per day.

Over the years, he had taken up menial jobs, learned and acquired skills in diverse disciplines to make ends meet. From being recruited as a bus conductor, to being a cab driver and then an electrician, Joseph has been around many places and seen many faces. He was an employee at the major electronics outlet I just bought my newly acquired asset, but quit a couple of years ago because his meager salary couldn’t meet up with his needs. He still had to send some money back home, pay his monthly” face me I face you” one room apartment rent amongst other things. Presently, he is joggling two jobs as a transporter of electronics and also an engineer who installs the aforesaid.

As we continued chatting, he agreed that our economy was the ailing one which required quick attention and long lasting solution. He opined that to achieve this, it required a collective effort from all Nigerians, including Muslim, Christian, pagan, atheist, rich, poor, civilian, military, married, single, public officers, private individuals. But that isn’t the case. He wondered why Uncle Jonah played the entire Nigerian people “wayo” by removing oil subsidy on the 1^st of January instead of the proposed 1^st of April. I tried to make excuse for uncle jonah that 1^st of April is commonly referred to as “fools day” so his government decided not  to insult over 160 million us, thus opted for an earlier date.

He wasn’t buying my sophistry to say the least. He told me we all have to make sacrifices by the grim pictures public officers have been painting on TV recently in the name of “or-yell-sub-see-dee” removal.  This he insisted, include for example, eliminating the scam in the form of the monthly security votes accruing to state governors between N200m to N300m (comrade Oshimiole failed to mention this at the town hall meeting), a substantial cut in the salaries and allowances of public officers such as Legislators take home at $2m, a rethink of the cost of feeding uncle Jonah, aunty patience and brother Sambo’s household close to a staggering N1 billion and the total cost of governance in general. Then, and only then, did Joseph think this government should talk about removing fuel subsidy.

I was set aback! Joseph isn’t educated to the tertiary level, but he sounds smarter and more credible than some PHD holders wearing black hats or the ones I’ve been seeing lately on TV trying to sell nursery rhyme texts to adults! The current system must have impoverished Joseph to the point where his thinking faculty has sprung into action. All he wanted was to relocate to the city, learn his trade in electrical engineering, and one day manage a large store providing electrical solutions to individuals, Companies and government establishments.

The future is not looking bright for my brother Joseph and indeed other Nigerians in their millions. Joseph’s dream in the bible always came into fruition, but under this insensitive government of uncle Jonah, Joseph my brother not in the bible but here in Nigeria, will watch his dream disappear into thin air. If the status quo remains the same where corruption and “lootocracy” is deeply entrenched in the system, so many dreams will be turned to mirages and hopes dashed.  Joseph knows that the consumption of cassava bread will not amount to close to a billion naira, and he also knows that his future will be torn into shreds if austerity measures are not adopted across all levels of government.

But here is a chance to reclaim your country back from a grossly irresponsible and insensitive bunch. Engage yourselves in the peaceful protest presently going on nationwide. We all have a role to play particularly the youths. Let us discontinue from the frivolous activities we usually engage in, like making famous people’s business our own business, reading society related magazines uninterrupted for hours, making a joke of oil subsidy in the social media or begging don jazzy for a retweet and join in to #OCCUPYNIGERIA.

Remember all we ask for is a competent government willing to tackle our biggest problem in corruption head on regardless of who the cabal are, and take the appropraite austerity measures this economy requires. We pray our government will listen to the yearnings of its people, and avoid a looming anarchy sparked by a revolution. Our fight will not be in vain.

GOD bless.

THE CONTEMPORARY POLITICIAN

Marketing is often misconstrued in this part of the word as an activity associated with harassing people by shoving products and services down the throat of the intended target market. Whether it is beneficial or essential to the end user is absolutely none of the “marketers” business, the bottom-line which is to sell is all that matters. For example, our hustlers go to “Jand” or Dubai at calculated periods to take advantage of reduction in prices of goods. They return few days or weeks later with a fake accent like “johnny” in Fela’s track “JJD” and storm into any indiscipline office idle enough to entertain them during work hours. There, they showcase their loot and cajole their victims (many who have got something quite identical to what is on display), who have got no self control to pick their choice like it was a gift from the Salvation Army. Even where some earn pittance of a salary, the marketers gag them to the point where they pick up wares like they were forced at gun point. This isn’t marketing, it is called personal selling, a component of marketing.

The Chartered Institute of Marketing although not exhaustive, defines Marketing as “The management process responsible for identifying, anticipating and satisfying customer requirements profitably.” So the harassment scenario is one in many tools of marketing.

This is applicable to the astute politician we find in our political arena today. They have thoroughly done their groundwork, identified the flaws in the system and society, anticipated possible reactions and devised clandestine but devious strategies to satisfy their ingenuous target audience albeit temporarily but more importantly, achieve  profitable gains for themselves and their cronies.

I see the manifestation of this new breed of politician as a brand, a brand like Coca-cola. Like a brand competing with other brands in the market, they have formulated a strategy, a strategy they have mastered, and have applied to grow their tentacles and expand their presence in the political scene. For those of you familiar with marketing terminologies, one such business model organizations apply to develop, grow and expand its presence is the Ansoff matrix. This model entails implementing four marketing strategies at the operational level namely Market Penetration, Product Development, Market Development and Diversification. All strategies will be discussed in greater detail. 

The contemporary politician is the product in question, and the market the electorate and all other mechanism deployed in firmly entrenching their position and clout. The shrewd contemporary politician has studied their environment scrupulously and is well aware of all the societal ills, including morale decadence, the majority of the masses living in abject poverty, the stoical nature of the citizenry despite despicable acts making a mockery of democracy, endemic nepotism and tribalism, religious strife etc. They have taken into cognizance the fact that all these issues circumlocutory play to their own advantage. Here is how they go about executing the four strategies to achieve their sole objective of clinging on to power or being politically relevant as long as they are breathing.

Through Market Penetration, they sell their brand to the existing market. This is the most routine of the strategies particularly if the community is considered a home turf. This market include the party “faithfuls”, those that bankroll the political movement, and those that will do anything to maintain the status quo since they will benefit from their man’s tenure, even if that requires maiming those who dare attempt to confront the status quo. They also organize rallies during campaigns, need I mention that all personnel involved are on the daily payroll of their “highness”.

As Fela sang decades ago in the track sorrow, tears and blood …… “we always get reason to fear…….I no wan die, I wan enjoy, papa dey for house, mama dey for house, I wan build house, I wan enjoy, i no wan go”. It’s the truth; we are unsurprisingly timid and highly tolerant. All it takes is to recruit the ever reliable linchpin, even officials that should be enforcing the law, who then hires miscreants (awon omo igboba executing ise ijoba) to snatch ballot boxes when things aren’t exactly going according to plan, smash a gulder bottle or two or leave another scoundrel from the opposition party limbless during a skirmish at the polling booth; basically anything to create a scene to intimidate anyone with ulterior motive other than theirs. By the way, majority of the miscreants used after the brand becomes the market leader, live in penury until the next general elections.

Through Product Development, they try to gain market share to firmly establish their clout and see off the competition. As they currently hold power, things won’t exactly be rosy for those in opposition. You recall I made mention of excessive greed as one of the societal ills which plays a huge role here. They (some opposition members) need a share of the spoils plundered by the ruling incumbent which can still be evenly distributed. They can’t afford to be “dulling” like whiz kid rightly advised, so they become disillusioned and disgruntled with their own brand. So they brazenly jump ship and join the “winning/ruling team”. The new recruits now become products utilized to further fortify the dominance of the brand of that contemporary politician.

After attaining much success for the brand on home soil, it’s only right they try to extend the brand’s footprint in other markets. This should serve as an avenue for more loot to plunder, and the merrier for the brand and its products. That is where the Market Development strategy comes into play. After a research has been conducted, it equips with a better understanding of the market segments and who can possibly buy the product and indirectly the brand itself. The ploy here is to affiliate with a local product that seemingly champions the cause of the community at large, when in truth every promise made is just sugar coated fibs. Remember, I said we are a gullible bunch, and what we want to eat will shut all forms of logical thinking capacity. As it is usually done, empty promises and commitments to white elephant projects dominate the product’s attributes, and after a few years, the market realize it was all a farce but a little too late. Besides, what more can the market do as alternatives available to the market aren’t any better.

When the brand now becomes too powerful such that all other competing brands are subject to its whims and caprices, it becomes a god. It is worshipped, sycophants soar in their numbers. The brand becomes a monopoly dictating every move in the market. Here, the market desires become irrelevant. The least of the brand’s problems is the yearnings of the market it brainwashed to acquire its dominance. But some elements still exist that can be a pain in the brand’s behind. So it adopts the Diversification strategy, a diversion from the core activities of the brand to something entirely new. This entails investing heavily on machinery that can divert all negative reports directed at the brand such as establishing media houses like private television and radio stations, or simply investing in vibrant sectors that can guarantee unprecedented funds other than funds acquired from activities of the brand and its products. But the brand’s core activities remain the cash cow used to inject the much needed funds to manage the new businesses till they attain the growth and maturity stage.

Slowly, the contemporary politician has dug deep into our political system and it will take a momentous and resolute effort to recover as their influence is widespread and given the nod by majority of the populace. And even while some are clearly against all that the brand stands for, they can’t say much. This is probably because they have at some point, soiled their hands in retrospect. The contemporary politician has used the societal ills to his own advantage. And every time potent allegations spring up against this brand, the manner with which such is swept under the carpet is jaw dropping. Like in the words of the Legendary Fela, “I see am, I shock, ah! Just like that, I see am, I react, ah!” just like that”.

What does the future hold for us? The brand didn’t get there itself. It used products, and the inertia of opposing brands to hoodwink the market to get to where it is today. If only my people will look beyond kickbacks, contractual agreement, the Ghana must go’s, and review this country’s position after 51 years of independence; they should realize the bigger picture and resist this brand. This brand is a threat to our existence in the long run. Desist from wasting your precious time and prayers because heaven they say helps those that help themselves. I pray we start to help ourselves.

Ositelu Eniola

@doublegeneral

Stalemate

Phones rings!!!!


Me: Yes! Who’s this?

Wale Gates: Why are you doing this?

Me: Doing what?

WG: I’ve been pressing the door bell for so long; my index finger’s now numb.

Me: And?

WG: Please open the door, it’s really cold out here and you know my wife just kicked me out.

Me: That’s news to me, but a very welcome arrangement

WG: How do you mean?

Me: One stupid woman just became wiser

WG: Very funny, but why are you talking like this anyway? Have you been waiting for this all the time?

Me: How?

WG: Please just open the door jo; I’m sure you can tell from my voice the horrendous weather is taking its toll on me

Me: The pints of liquor consumed earlier you mean?

WG: (interrupting) won’t you open the door?

Me: Nop!

WG: Why are you so heartless?

Me: Thanks for stating the obvious. Tell me something I don’ know

WG: OK, I’m sorry, I repudiate the earlier statement.

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence, might work some other time.

WG: But what's your problem?

Me: Problem? From what I've gathered you've just been kicked out by your spouse, you're drunk to stupor and stranded in the mean, cold streets of London. Now that, my friend is a big big problem!

WG: You mean you will leave your brother to loaf around the streets of London?

Me: Even if my father was a promiscuous man and a stark illiterate, he’d still count his sons accurately and you, my good friend will still not make the cut!

WG: Preposterous! I can’t believe this men.

Me: Believe what?

WG: That you actually plan to keep me out in the cold

Me: What a wife can do, a relative can do better I guess!

WG: Hen?

Me: The liquor’s now affecting your hearing?

WG: OK, take my phone and charge it for me at least, the battery is getting flat.

Me: Ask a passer-by, there’s a better chance they might help you during your self inflicted predicament. Trust me.

WG: This is not fair!

Me: Then what is? Interrupting my sleep in the middle of the night?

WG: Hah! Please, don’t do this

ME: My girlfriend is on the other line, talk to you some other time.

WG: Wait! Wait!! Wait!!! You mean you intend to hang up?

Me: Yes ke!

WG: Fu@# you! Go to hell! Thank God you’re not god! Ori e o pe! (Click!)…..Hello? Hello? Hello? This guy really hung up sha? Let me try again....... (Sorry, the person you‘re trying to reach is not currently able to accept your call). This guy is cold men, I had better find a place in the tube station to squat and pass for the night before some destitute grabs the best spot

Things we do for love...and a Blackberry

Part one

“Dele....Dele....Dele now”..... Reading one of the dailies Dele grudgingly directed his gaze at her. “I’ve been thinking”, then she paused like a spoilt daughter about to ask her dad for the unthinkable. “Go on” he said, Staring back at his paper hardly listening to his acquaintance. “Dele you’re not listening to me” she grumbled. “Well that’s because anytime you think it always ends up having a negative impact on my pocket!” “Aha now! That’s not true” she retorted. “Ok correct me if I’m wrong it’s one of those frivolous things again isn’t it?” “No, not at all” Jennifer fibbed. “Oh really?” With his face brightening up, “then it must be a business plan or a proposal of some sort?”

She gave him a disdainful stare “dele please don’t start”. Obviously disappointed, he slumped back into the leather sofa and resumed reading the dailies. Massaging his shoulders softly she called “Dele.......”In a dour pragmatic tone”Yeeeesss.....” he replied. I....I...I need a blackberry she finally manage to pour out. In an apologetic tone Dele wailed “whatever for? Thought I just bought you a new Sony-Erickson few weeks ago. Gesticulating she responded “you know now”. He shook his head slowly yet vehemently. “If I pretend I do, I’ll be speaking the devil’s native language!” “Status now" she said...besides all my friends have it plus my reputation is on the line as a trend setter. I’m always first to get things and now I don’t have a blackberry” she continued. With a bit of disgust he interrupted “And? What status? You’re unemployed and rightly so because you’re still studying if for over 7 years, whatever is wrong with that? Why would you want people thinking otherwise? At this rate prospective employers would assume you own a chain of restaurants”.

“Oh Dele! What has a blackberry got to do with my life history now? hen?” She blurted. “Ok, how about that Alhaji that sent you that raunchy text message the other night? He interrupted again. An explosion rocked her torso as she felt it beneath her feet and fear caused her insides to congeal. But this was not a time to fall apart. How could she have been so negligent? How could she not have deleted that message? Oh well, she’ll have to compose herself and real fast she thought. She always does she said to herself. “Which Alhaji” she queried. “Oh, you didn’t know I read your message that came in when you were taking a shower?” “I have no idea what you’re on about”. Snapping his fingers in an effort to remember something “yeeeee....what’s that bastard’s name again.... after like 10 seconds, he had a sudden jolt of memory, “Yes!” he exclaimed. Alhaji Daudu. Calm, collected and bullish she reacted, “Oh that stalker? I’ve warned him to stop sending me such messages”. “Ehen? I didn’t know stalkers get a piece of the pie as well" dele quipped. Giving Dele an obnoxious gaze she replied “What?”

Looking rather stern he warned “Don’t give me that look”. I remember reading *I can’t wait to eat up that juicy*....eemmm...what’s that vulgar word he used in that message again, staring at the ceiling with his index finger on his lips, she cut the brainstorming session short. “Dele, that was long before I met you. I’ve distanced myself from the man ever since. Obviously unconvinced he replied with a modicum of sarcasm “yeah right”.

She then walked down in her Jimmy choo heels, locked the door and gave the knob a tug to double check it was locked. Turning around she smiled seductively lifting her dark conjoined eyebrows to make a letter "v". she tossed her jacket down south and started to unbutton her blouse to unveil her cleavage. Dele, bereft of speech watched helplessly as he swallowed his saliva hard and looked on like a mesmerised Pinokio staring at a watch swinging in a hypnotist’s hands.

Anyway she started to crawl on Dele’s glass desk (something I would call “ere gele” meaning dangerous play) like a pussy cat. Now Dele had for view two pristine succulent you know what dangling across his face. “What are you waiting for?” she asked the poor hypnotized boy. Still wearing her seductive smile, she placed both her palms on his cheeks and caressed his lips with hers. Taking his hands she helped him with what felt like water in two cellophane bags. Dele turned red and needing no second invitation obliged and grabbed them and held on tight. The room was getting hot! Dele finally murmured something that sounded like “wait!” Pulling off his shirt he rummaged through his wallet for the essential ruffryders because this was going to be one hell of a rough ride. “You know my wife, very inquisitive. One lip gloss stain, one unbearable month ahead” he quipped. They soon resumed where they left off with Jennifer seating on his laps all the while. I’ll let you tell the rest of the story.

Part 2:

Jennifer flipped open her Mac for the umpteenth time, pushing her lower and upper lip back and forth to even out the lip gloss. She scrutinized her painting through the micro mirror and took a deep breath as she was finally convinced it was just as perfect as Picasso's finest pieces good enough to fool Dele’s secretary and the poor visitors at the reception. “Can I have the money now?” Adjusting his pants “how much?” he interrogated. “A hundred and twenty grand” she responded. “What!” he exclaimed. “That’ll be tomorrow then, I’ll leave the cheque with my secretary. She then walked up to him, squeezed him and kissed him on the left cheek.

“You’re the best I’ve ever had” she lied. “And you’re the best ever as well” he lied back. Heading back to his sofa she unlocked the door. “My kind regards to your mum” he uttered. “Bye!” they chorused in unison as she swung the door open. She walked down the aisle and past the reception, keeping a straight face and looking crispier than ever. She barely stopped as she ordered the secretary “Mr Johnson will like to see the next client”. A spark of malevolence gleamed in the secretary’s eyes and Jenny cat walked past offering a view of her rounded calabash like “behind”. The waiting visitors gazed lustfully and chuckled as she strutted away, her hips swaying in perfect rhythm to the bob of her braids and the swing of her arms. They seemed to have forgotten how long they had been waiting. The sprezzatura of Jennifer; effortless.

Foreplay or a quickie?

When the late notorious b.i.g once stated in one of his songs years ago “I feelin kinda itchy for a quickie, don’t take off your clothes all you gotta do is **** me” , I could barely understand what the man was on about.

Quite evidently, sexual deviancy isn’t my area of expertise but I’ve been married for over 24 months now and can’t help but think of a way to spark up my sexual prowess. I am convinced my major problem is the foreplay why should I use the phrase “long tin”. The entire journey of sending raunchy text messages from work to looking at/touching each other, running the shower or a message and finally to the bed I barely find exhilarating these days.

This morning however, has been a different story as my work colleagues and even the security personnel can testify to my unusual upbeat mood. I’m sure my wife can barely explain what transpired in the early hours of this morning as I have been obnoxious the past few weeks. I was fully dressed (excluding my jacket) in the kitchen sipping on my coffee when my wife barely awake strolls into the kitchen muttering something that sounded like “morning hun” to make my usual egg and bacon sandwich. While she was at it, I kept staring at her wondering why I’m putting her through such ordeal. As she had her back towards me, all I had for view was the type of figure that makes the arsenal down below disrespect you such that you can’t stand up after the close of a board meeting else you’d have everyone taking your hand and looking down below. How embarrassing!

Anyway all I could make out from the view was the “8” figure and the emphatic apple like bottom in the middle. The rest as they say was history. Not only did I have to swop my white shirt for another, I also left behind my lunch basket on the kitchen table! Such was the feeling. Absolutely titillating.

As I seat on my desk, I’m thinking …have I reached the saturation point for boreplay…..sorry I meant foreplay and a “quickie” kinda guy? In the British Journal of Sexual Medicine, a professor after conducting a survey on 2,300 women concluded that foreplay lasted an average of 15.4 minutes and intercourse 16.2 minutes. But the warm up proceedings (foreplay) could be considerably shortened as it contributes little as an aid to female orgasm. I think I’m in sync with women if this is a true indication of how majority of them feel because as I’m writing this, my wife has interrupted me with a couple of text messages telling me how I’m such a star and something about a multiple orgasm never felt in a long time.

I look at it in brand management terms. I am the product going through the PLC stages and I have reached the maturity stage. One of the strategies deployed for a product at the maturity stage is to find other ways to use the product. Presently, Coca-cola in Nigeria is positioning its flagship product to complement a good meal, and not just for refreshment only. So I’m positioning myself as some bloke “not strictly for the foreplay to final destination bed/sofa kinda guy” but also in any absurd place like the copier machine, toilets, cars and even in the traffic should a drunk BRT driver decide to block the entire 3rd mainland bridge. For you deceptive work colleagues claiming you’re just friends and he/she is just dropping you off at home these are options you ought to consider.

The main goal for me (at least for now) is giving my woman a by far preferable “quickie” than the humdrum journey of foreplay. Today we conduct our lives amid constraints of a time-poor world, money worries and palpable fatigue amongst others. You lovebirds will reach that maturity stage at some point so here’s my advice. Consider the “quickie” strategy to rejuvenate the product in you. It has worked for me at least for the moment.

As I’m writing this, I’m anticipating catching up with my wife at home still in her skirt suit trying to fix us a hotplate in the kitchen; then doing my thing and ramming it from the rear (As we have no kids or employees yet). All of a sudden work is so boring and I can’t wait to get home and get me some. I’m looking forward to putting on another coital virtuoso performance!

PLEASE be discreet and don’t get fired on the quickie campaign!

Thanks for reading.

A day in the life: O.J City

Part 1:
The weekend finally came and I couldn’t wait to show off my new boots and try out new skills I’d observed watching the Champions League during the week. It’s been a while since I set my foot on Emmanuel High to watch or play the beautiful game (football) as I have been a recipient of a horrendous tackle some guy called “Stone” well renowned for taking pride in maiming anyone better than himself had bestowed on me. A very clever strategy to cover up for his inadequate skills I suppose.

I was excited not because I was looking forward to getting maimed again, but because I just had this undeniable passion for both watching and playing the game. If you don’t believe me, why would I leave the comfort of my room early Saturday morning and play footie (as it’s called in the UK) where hoodlums trade and smoke all sorts of drugs such as “igbo”, “Gbana”, you take your pick. Why would I risk ruptured spleens, broken metatarsal or bruises on my velvet skin? And why would I hustle and tussle with folks who would give skunks or a drove of swine a run for their money? If you don’t believe me by now then that’s your problem. But I just hope you didn’t believe in the tooth fairy during your toddler years either.

The state of elation was short-lived though. I hadn’t even passed through the gates of Emmanuel high and I could envision the pandemonium. I think I arrived just about the time to witness the heavy weight bout between two prominent hooligans. A colony of grimy looking men were chanting and inciting all provocative words they could muster such as “ko ni da fun ya maja” (i.e. any diplomat thinking of breaking the fight had better think again else his mother will be highly unsuccessful no matter how hard she strives to succeed in life) as they were getting frustrated the brawl was taking longer than they had expected. By now the thugs had passed the stage of merely staring at each other, trading insults or pushing and shoving. It was time to bring the factual drama. One thug was very muscular, had the height and reach advantage; the other, stout and a little taller than lil’kim but he had a distinctive weapon; his mouth.

The fight was finally in full swing! All techniques deployed from Greco-Roman locks to kick boxing. The brawl lasted 3 minutes before something tragic happened. The stout soldier had slumped and remained unconscious! In a split second the muscular thug went from hero to zero. The same hoodlums cheering him on during the fight turned against him in a quick instance. “Now that you have killed him, we reckon you take his corpse to his parents,” they exclaimed. Some went a step further and initiated a happy slapping session. How art the mighty fallen I thought. You think the story ends there? Don’t hold your breath!



Part 2

Guess whose back? You remember the fall guy? I mean the stout thug? Yes that’s the one. While the unfortunate victor from the ill advised fight received a mauling from his “before-before” fans for committing murder (at least we thought he did), the stout thug regained consciousness, got up to his feet, clinched his fists together and bellowed “wey Ifeoma dey?” In bewilderment, everyone turned around and saw Lazarus eager to resume the fight. We were in shock! The whole field went as quite as Atan Cemetery at midnight. Ifeoma swiftly squatting on both knees and slapping his palms together as in our Lord’s Prayer position broke the silence; pleading shamelessly and even conceding victory to a guy he had obviously beaten “black and blue”.

The dwarf was confused by this kind gesture well aware of the consequences of defeat in “da the hood”. You either had to move out or face the incessant embarrassment and stigma attached to being defeated in a brawl or stay in the neighbourhood and take the solo walk of shame with your face down for an indefinitely long, long time. Neither was any thug’s option to be honest, but Ifeoma would rather be anything but a murderer for now at least. The stout thug was even more perplexed when he heard hundreds of people including myself laughing with tears rolling down our cheeks. I wonder what must have been going on in the midget’s head. He must have thought everyone came to Emmanuel high, high of something. Till this day I wonder if he ever believed he slumped for a few minutes during the clash. O, how I miss O.J city!

Ositelu Eniola

@doublegeneral